What Is Deschooling (and Does My ND Child Need It)?

If you’re here, you’re probably trying to understand what deschooling actually is – and whether your neurodivergent child truly needs it. Maybe you’ve heard the word in homeschooling groups but still feel unsure:

Is deschooling a break? A reset? A transition? What do we even do while it’s happening?

And beneath that, many parents quietly wonder:

For autistic, ADHD, AuDHD or PDA kids – especially those leaving school because of anxiety, shutdowns, or school refusal – deschooling can feel even more overwhelming. These kids aren’t just tired; they are often deeply burnt out, overwhelmed, or traumatised by environments that didn’t match their nervous systems.

In our home, deschooling wasn’t a phase we “added” to homeschooling. It became a nervous-system recovery period, the slow rebuilding of safety and trust. It’s also the lived-experience foundation behind the Your Deschooling Survival Guide I later created – not as a program, but as a framework to help ND families navigate this season gently and calmly.

If you’re afraid to stop “doing” and unsure how to support your child without recreating school, please know this:

You’re not falling behind. You’re stepping out of survival mode.

Let’s walk through what deschooling really is, why ND kids often need more of it, and what a gentle start looks like.

So… What Is Deschooling?

At its simplest, deschooling is the process of stepping away from:

…and allowing time for recovery, connection, curiosity and safety to return.

For neurodivergent families, deschooling is deeper:

Deschooling = nervous system reset + identity rebuild + trust repair.

It’s the shift back to a child who:

One parent on Reddit described it beautifully:

“Deschooling is watching how learning happens in the absence of school. You learn to trust them – and they learn to trust you won’t push or punish.”

Another said:

“I realised I needed deschooling more than my child. I couldn’t stop replicating school, even when it didn’t serve us.”

That’s the heart of deschooling: It gives everyone room to breathe again.

Why Neurodivergent Kids Often Need Longer (and Gentler) Deschooling

School environments can take a significant toll on ND kids. Even in “good” schools, they often face:

Many end up in a state of continuous burnout.

This is where Spoon Theory offers clarity. ND kids often start the day with fewer “spoons” (units of energy). School drains them quickly through:

By pick-up time, they’re running on empty – every day.

Deschooling stops the drain long enough for their nervous system to rebuild capacity.
This isn’t academic recovery.
It’s human recovery.

What Deschooling Really Looks Like

(Especially for Autistic, ADHD and PDA Kids)

Deschooling isn’t a curriculum.
And it definitely isn’t a Pinterest-perfect “learning plan”.

For neurodivergent children, deschooling is a complete shift in environment, pace and expectations.

Here are the forms of deschooling that truly matter – the ones grounded in my workbook Your Deschooling Survival Guide and lived experience.

1. Observation Without Interference

Before anything else, you observe.

Not to assess.
Not to measure.
Not to “plan learning”.

Simply to understand:

In our home, I kept a gentle daily log: “Today I noticed…”

Tiny patterns emerged that changed everything.

2. Learning Without Curriculum

When pressure is removed, children begin learning in ways that don’t resemble school at all:

This isn’t unstructured chaos. It’s the nervous system saying:
“I feel safe enough to choose again.”

That is learning.

3. Creating a Sensory-Safe, Low-Demand Environment

For ND kids, the environment is the curriculum at this stage.

Deschooling may include:

When we prioritised sensory safety over outputs, my boys’ nervous systems softened. It was the first sign healing was happening.

4. Real Rest (Not “Rest With Guilt Attached”)

Rest during deschooling is active healing. It allows:

A child lying on the couch watching gentle content is not “avoiding learning”. They are recovering from months or years of survival.

5. Noticing Tiny Sparks of Curiosity

Deschooling is subtle. You might see:

These tiny sparks are the first threads of self-directed learning – and they don’t appear until safety does.

Does My Neurodivergent Child Really Need Deschooling?

Short answer: Yes – almost always, if school has been difficult.

Longer answer:

A parent on Reddit wrote:

“Deschooling is a recalibration of joy.”

If joy, curiosity or confidence has been lost, deschooling is the bridge back.

How Long Should Deschooling Last? (The Realistic ND Version)

The classic guideline is:

1 month for every year spent in school.

For neurodivergent children, this is usually too short. Look for signs of healing instead:

Signs your child may be ready for gentle learning:

Signs they need more time:

Healing isn’t linear.
And there’s no such thing as “behind” when you’re recovering from burnout.

“But We’re Not Doing Anything…” – A Section for Parental Guilt

Every ND parent says this at some point:

“It feels like we’re doing nothing.”

But here’s what you’re actually doing:

Rest is not the absence of learning.
Rest is the foundation of learning.

When we began deschooling, our days were quiet. Sometimes flat. Sometimes chaotic. Sometimes nothing happened at all – or so it seemed.

But underneath, my boys were healing:
letting their bodies breathe, letting their minds settle, slowly reconnecting with themselves.

Learning began again only after rest made space for it.

Your Role During Deschooling (Especially With PDA)

You don’t need to:

You do need to:

Most of all:
Deschooling is a chance to see the child you actually have – not the one school told you they should be.

What Comes After Deschooling?

When your child begins to re-engage naturally, you can gently move into:

Final Thoughts – You’re Not Falling Behind. You’re Rebuilding a Human.

If you’ve stepped out of school because your neurodivergent child couldn’t cope, you are not starting from zero.

You’re starting from burnout.

Deschooling isn’t optional for ND kids who are overwhelmed – it’s the bridge between survival and genuine learning.

You’re not “doing nothing.”
You’re doing the most important work of all:

Creating space for your child to feel safe enough to learn again – without pressure, shame, or urgency.

You’re not behind.
You’re rebuilding a life that fits your child.

And that takes time – but it’s worth every quiet, messy, unstructured day.