What Is Deschooling (and Does My ND Child Need It)?

What Is Deschooling?

If you’re googling what is deschooling, there’s a good chance school has stopped being “just school” in your house.

Maybe your child is refusing, shutting down, panicking, masking all day then falling apart at home – or you’re watching them disappear under the weight of expectations that don’t fit. And now you’re stuck in that awful in-between: you know something has to change, but you’re terrified of making it worse.

Deschooling is often the first step neurodivergent families take when school pressure has built up for too long. It’s not a curriculum. It’s not “doing nothing”. It’s a recovery period that helps a child feel safe enough to learn again – in a way their nervous system can handle.

I didn’t set out to homeschool either. We reached deschooling because we had to take the pressure off before anything else could work.

On this page, I’ll explain what deschooling actually means, why it can matter for autistic, ADHD, anxious, and demand-avoidant kids, what it looks like day-to-day, and how to tell whether your child needs more time or is ready for gentle transitions.

Quick summary (so you can breathe):

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, the calm next step is my free mini guide: Deschooling Essentials.

Start here if you’re still deciding
If you’re still at the “Are we really doing this?” stage, this page comes first:
👉 Should I Homeschool My Neurodivergent Child?

So… What Is Deschooling?

A simple definition (no fluff)

Deschooling is a transition period where you step away from school-shaped pressure so your child can recover – and learning can become possible again.

It usually involves reducing:

And increasing:

The Neurodivergent Version (What Families Often Actually Mean)

For autistic, ADHD, anxious, and demand-avoidant kids, deschooling is often deeper than a “break”. It can be:

In our home, deschooling wasn’t something we added on as a “nice idea”. It was the point where we stopped trying to keep school going in any form – and focused on safety first.

What Deschooling is Not (Because This is Where Parents Get Stuck)

Deschooling is not:

And it’s definitely not:

If you’re quietly thinking, “But if we stop, everything will fall apart”… you’re not alone. A lot of parents have to deschool themselves too – especially after years of being told learning only counts when it looks like school.

Why Neurodivergent Kids Often Need Deschooling

When stress is high, learning access drops.

If you want the research background on executive function and how stress and environment affect learning access, this Institute of Education Sciences report is a solid starting point. 

This matters, because many neurodivergent kids aren’t struggling due to ability. They’re struggling because their brain is under pressure. That’s not “bad behaviour”. That’s a nervous system doing its job.

So if your child:

…deschooling can help because it reduces the load before you try to add learning back in.

Demand Avoidance and Pressure

If your child has a demand-avoidant profile (or demand-avoidant traits), pressure can be the spark that sets everything off.

Research on PDA is still developing and debated, but there’s consistent concern that compliance-based approaches can increase distress, and that flexibility, collaboration, and reducing pressure can improve access and wellbeing.

This is why deschooling often needs to be choice-heavy and shame-free. Not because kids “shouldn’t have expectations”… but because expectation without safety often collapses learning access.

What Deschooling Can Look Like (Real Life, Not Pinterest)

Here’s the part no one tells you:

Early Phase: Decompression

This can include:

This isn’t failure. It’s your child coming down from sustained stress.

Middle Phase: The Nervous System Softens

You might notice:

You’re not “getting them back”. You’re watching safety return.

Later Phase: Curiosity Returns (Often Sideways)

This can look like:

And it might not look like school at all. That still counts.

Does My Neurodivergent Child Actually Need Deschooling?

There’s no perfect test. But deschooling is usually helpful if:

You might be ready to gently move forward when:

These are signs of capacity – not compliance.

How Long Does Deschooling Take?

You’ll hear a classic rule: “one month for every year of school.” Some families find that useful as a rough mental frame.

But for many neurodivergent kids, it’s not that neat – because you’re not just recovering from time spent in classrooms. You’re recovering from stress. A better question is: “What does healing look like in this child?”

Signs your child needs more time:

Signs they may be ready for gentle transitions:

What To Do During Deschooling (Without Turning It Into School)

This part is simple – not easy, but simple. Your job is safety, not output. You don’t need to:

You do need to:

For demand-avoidant kids: collaboration beats control.

Many families do better with:

Again, this isn’t permissiveness. It’s access.

A Gentle Next Step (If You Want One)

If you’re at the beginning of deschooling and everything feels messy, flat, or frightening, you don’t need more advice. You need something that helps you breathe.

A simple mini guide that covers:

Gentle extra support (optional): If you want more structure for you while you navigate this season, Your Deschooling Survival Guide is there when you’re ready. No rush.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is deschooling in homeschooling?
Deschooling is the transition period where you step away from school-shaped expectations so your child can recover, feel safe again, and slowly reconnect with learning in a way that fits them.

Do autistic kids need deschooling?
Many autistic kids benefit from deschooling when school has involved chronic stress, masking, sensory overload, or repeated mismatch. It gives space for regulation and safety to rebuild before you add learning pressure back in.

Does my ADHD child need deschooling?
Often, yes – especially if school has been exhausting, shame-heavy, or demand-heavy. Executive function access can drop under stress, and deschooling can help reduce that load.

What if my child only wants screens during deschooling?
This is extremely common early on. Screens can be regulation, control, dopamine, and recovery. You can keep it bounded and supportive without turning it into a battle. The key is watching whether overall stress is coming down over time.

How long does deschooling take for neurodivergent kids?
There’s no one answer. Some kids need weeks. Some need months. Instead of watching the calendar, watch for signs of nervous system recovery: more capacity, more flexibility, more curiosity, less fear.

Can we deschool while still enrolled in school?
Sometimes, yes – especially if you’re reducing pressure at home, protecting recovery time, and shifting expectations. Some families use a partial approach while they work out next steps.

What’s the difference between deschooling and unschooling?
Deschooling is a recovery and transition phase after school pressure. Unschooling is a long-term learning approach built around interest-led, life-based learning. Some families deschool and then choose unschooling. Others don’t.

One Last Thing

If you’re reading this because school has become impossible, please hear this clearly:

You’re not doing nothing. You’re doing the work of rebuilding safety. And for a lot of neurodivergent kids, that’s the beginning of everything.